Hello! I usually do a life update every so often just to touch base with you all. I’ve gained quite a few followers since my last personal post and it’s surprising and wonderful to me and I wanted to do another introductory post and say hello and just let you know what’s going on.
So, my name’s Amanda, I’m a 29 year old black American who lives in eastern PA although I’m originally from New York. Holla at you Long Island. I’m a single mom to a lovely 7 year old named Juliet who steals my laptop whenever her ipad dies.
Besides reading and writing I love sailor moon, video games, and isolating myself. Pandas are ofc one of favorite animals but I also have an affinity to cows. My youngest sister is amazing at drawing and drew me as a cow.
Here are some social media links you can follow me on:
This is going to be a pretty deep post, buckle up for some ANGST. I apologize in advance.
So my birthday is in a few weeks on the 21st and it’s a big one folks. I’ll be 30 and I am slowly feeling anxious about it.
Just the usual such as I haven’t done enough in my life, I’m not good enough, I’m not where I want to be.
Full disclosure I never finished college. I dropped out and never went back after I had my daughter and got married and that is my biggest regret. I know I still have time to go back and I fully plan to but life and its anxieties always seem to plow into me full speed. I would love to go back for nursing as healthcare is what I do currently and I absolutely love it. I thrive in it.
This year has been rough. Let me say that me and romance aren’t the best of friends at the moment. It is painful to talk about but whenever I seem to open myself up to people I love I am crushed by them.
I am never the first to approach them either, it’s always the other way around but as soon as my feelings are reciprocated…the end. It hurts. A lot. It’s been especially hard this time around because I am grieving the loss of my grandmother and two beloved family pets.
The summer is always hard because it’s when my mom had her stroke and it’s not an anniversary I like to look forward to.
Grief hits you hard. It’s like a wave and when you think it’s over it hits you again and again. The end of relationships is a lot like grief. You mourn what you had and what you could have had. I’m hurting. I cry a lot. And I’m raising my daughter alone so I get up, go to work and put an empty smile on my face because she needs me.
I feel more alone than I ever have in my life. I feel as though I’m not enough which is bullshit but when it happens again and again, what else can you think?
I mean it’s so bad at the moment that I can’t even bring myself to READ romance books.
Why do other people deserve to have a happy ending when clearly I don’t get to have one?
I’m working on it and myself. It takes time. I take time.
Trigger warning: eating disorders
I have depression and anxiety and I can honestly say I do not much like myself most of the time. I’ve struggled with eating disorders since I was 17 and there are physical attributes I wish I could change about myself mainly my teeth. I have a gap and it’s always bothered me. Weight is something women are always attacked for and unfortunately it’s something I’ve been picked at for my entire life. With the seasons changing my depression will just worsen and I’m preparing myself.
Winter is coming.
I’m telling you all of this because I want to apologize if I’m slow at all to responding to any comments or at reading any of your lovely posts during these hard times. It’s not intentional at all please believe me. My mind is in a whirlwind at the moment. I am adjusting to my job and I am enjoying it now! Everything is happening so fast and I’ve been helping my daughter with her school work. I’m also just trying to stay afloat and relatively sane. This is a rough period in my life and the push and pull of life is a lot for me.
Thank you all for your constant support and reading and following my blog! It means so much you have no idea! When I started this I didn’t think anybody would follow me but I truly am so happy. You’re all amazing. Sorry for the bleak subject matter.
Until the next update.