October Life Update 🔮🎃

Hello! I usually do a life update every so often just to touch base with you all. I’ve gained quite a few followers since my last personal post and it’s surprising and wonderful to me and I wanted to do another introductory post and say hello and just let you know what’s going on.

So, my name’s Amanda, I’m a 29 year old black American who lives in eastern PA although I’m originally from New York. Holla at you Long Island. I’m a single mom to a lovely 7 year old named Juliet who steals my laptop whenever her ipad dies.

Besides reading and writing I love sailor moon, video games, and isolating myself. Pandas are ofc one of favorite animals but I also have an affinity to cows. My youngest sister is amazing at drawing and drew me as a cow.

Here are some social media links you can follow me on:

This is going to be a pretty deep post, buckle up for some ANGST. I apologize in advance.

So my birthday is in a few weeks on the 21st and it’s a big one folks. I’ll be 30 and I am slowly feeling anxious about it.

Just the usual such as I haven’t done enough in my life, I’m not good enough, I’m not where I want to be.

Full disclosure I never finished college. I dropped out and never went back after I had my daughter and got married and that is my biggest regret. I know I still have time to go back and I fully plan to but life and its anxieties always seem to plow into me full speed. I would love to go back for nursing as healthcare is what I do currently and I absolutely love it. I thrive in it.

This year has been rough. Let me say that me and romance aren’t the best of friends at the moment. It is painful to talk about but whenever I seem to open myself up to people I love I am crushed by them.

I am never the first to approach them either, it’s always the other way around but as soon as my feelings are reciprocated…the end. It hurts. A lot. It’s been especially hard this time around because I am grieving the loss of my grandmother and two beloved family pets.

The summer is always hard because it’s when my mom had her stroke and it’s not an anniversary I like to look forward to.

Grief hits you hard. It’s like a wave and when you think it’s over it hits you again and again. The end of relationships is a lot like grief. You mourn what you had and what you could have had. I’m hurting. I cry a lot. And I’m raising my daughter alone so I get up, go to work and put an empty smile on my face because she needs me.

I feel more alone than I ever have in my life. I feel as though I’m not enough which is bullshit but when it happens again and again, what else can you think?

I mean it’s so bad at the moment that I can’t even bring myself to READ romance books.

Why do other people deserve to have a happy ending when clearly I don’t get to have one?

I’m working on it and myself. It takes time. I take time.

Trigger warning: eating disorders

I have depression and anxiety and I can honestly say I do not much like myself most of the time. I’ve struggled with eating disorders since I was 17 and there are physical attributes I wish I could change about myself mainly my teeth. I have a gap and it’s always bothered me. Weight is something women are always attacked for and unfortunately it’s something I’ve been picked at for my entire life. With the seasons changing my depression will just worsen and I’m preparing myself.

Winter is coming.

I’m telling you all of this because I want to apologize if I’m slow at all to responding to any comments or at reading any of your lovely posts during these hard times. It’s not intentional at all please believe me. My mind is in a whirlwind at the moment. I am adjusting to my job and I am enjoying it now! Everything is happening so fast and I’ve been helping my daughter with her school work. I’m also just trying to stay afloat and relatively sane. This is a rough period in my life and the push and pull of life is a lot for me.

Thank you all for your constant support and reading and following my blog! It means so much you have no idea! When I started this I didn’t think anybody would follow me but I truly am so happy. You’re all amazing. Sorry for the bleak subject matter.

Until the next update.

🔮 Amanda

27 thoughts on “October Life Update 🔮🎃

  1. Thank you fo sharing ❤ I hope that it helps to speak about things going on in your life. As someone who also struggles with anxiety and weight I can relate. You've been so supportive of our blog so far and I'm so so grateful for that. Your posts genuinely always manage to make me laugh 😀 If you ever need another ear to chat to, I'm always happy to listen! Jen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. it really does and i’m scared but also i’m at this point in my life where i’m like fuck it lol. my old therapist was like you care too much what ppl think and my mom was very fearless and that’s who I emulate. there’s too much of a stigmatization around mental illnesses and disorders and there shouldn’t be. I hope me opening up helps. *hugs* thank you doll. you guys are amazing and I love you guys blog. it’s insightful and i’m so grateful I met y’all!! and likewise to you!! I am so happy to have met amazing ppl. the book world is amazing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, thank you for sharing all this. You’re such a lovely person and I’ve enjoyed following your blog these past few months. Life is really rough and and it’s so hard when you feel alone, I totally understand that. I’m genuinely so glad I found this community and people like you. Thanks for opening up and let’s hope this winter is kind to all of us ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Amanda I adore you!! This post is heartbreaking and beautiful and sad but also uplifting. Because it’s so honest. So brave. You are amazing and my DMs are always open if you need to offload my friend or you simply need an acknowledgement of your pain and struggles. Life… Ain’t easy is it. But the more we are open and honest and share with each other the less alone we feel so I hope writing this post has made you feel all the feels from all of your blogging friends. All my love to you and Juliet. I adore your posts. I love that they are perfect little snapshots of you. You are one of the most amazing people I’ve met through blogging and I’m so glad I made my blog because it led me to a dear friend like you. Keep on being you my friend because you are amazing <3333333

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I adore you so so much and thank you. I am so happy to have met you. and i’m happy that I am able to open to you. this blog has made me meet amazing people like you and it honestly makes me want to cry. thank you for your friendship and allowing me to vent like this.

      I love you love you love you.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh man, 30 is a big one and it gets us all in different ways! I thought I was fine, but within the year ended up doing a complete life change… I always thought gaps between the teeth denoted creativity in people and honestly, I’m English, I get teeth insecurity (mine are so crooked) but I quite like gaps between the teeth… I wanted one when I was a kid 🙈 I also wanted freckles and black hair with blue eyes… and a fringe… it’s probably a good thing kids cant decide what they’ll look like till they’re older… I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, and it sounds like a hard time of year. This too shall pass… but it doesn’t make it any easier going through it, does it? ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hugs! I can’t totally relate when it comes to grief, anxiety, and eating disorders. It’s all such a struggle. If you ever need to talk I’m always here! Thanks for being so personal. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thirty was a hard birthday for me too but that was because it meant that I had kids for half of my life. Yes, I was a teenage mom, a high school dropout, and not living the “dream.”
    I am proud of you for your post and talking about your personal life to all of us. You are truly amazing and inspiring to many who struggle or who feel alone but aren’t. I feel that we all struggle with something in our lives and only a few are brave enough to admit it and share their experiences with others. Thank you for stepping out, you do not walk alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This comment made me cry. YOU are amazing and thank you so very much for sharing this with me. You’re right I’m not alone and I’m so glad that I’ve met so many great people such as yourself.

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      1. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Even though My Dream had unexpected turns, I came out with 2 college degrees and 3 fantastic children. My kids were my light. I thought life was good until I was hit with a 17 year, Daily Chronic Headache. Every day for 17 years, I had a headache. But, you know what, it could be worse. And this my friend, became my motto. Because I can breathe, I can think, I can feed myself, I can ….. Finally, I got some relief for a year and now they’re coming back but it’s good because….(my motto). We’re not alone. Thanks again for being real, for not hiding, and for shining. You are helping others and yourself by keeping it real.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. you are absolutely inspirational. thank you. i’m going to save that because that is a fantastic motto and mantra. im so sorry about your headaches because i know that pain well and i hope they go away. you’re so right. we are not alone and we will get through it. thank you 🙂 ❤

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